


I can't make you love me

by AwkwardCat



Category: Persona 5
Genre: Angst, Hurt No Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, I tried to make it sad ok, Implied/Referenced Abuse, M/M, Self-Hatred, implied child neglect, no happy ending, vague description of a panic attack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-16
Updated: 2020-06-16
Packaged: 2021-03-04 02:27:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,872
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24756280
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AwkwardCat/pseuds/AwkwardCat
Summary: Jealous Yuuki basically
Relationships: Mishima Yuuki/Sakamoto Ryuji
Comments: 4
Kudos: 11





	I can't make you love me

**Author's Note:**

  * For [arcanalalune](https://archiveofourown.org/users/arcanalalune/gifts).



> Hello! I made this for a fix Exchange!  
> I apologize for my writing lol
> 
> The promo was Ryuji X Yuuki angst!
> 
> Hope u like it (✿^‿^)

Yuuki wasn't sure when he fell for Ryuji. It could have started in middle school. The way he enthusiastically talked about running, how freeing it felt. Or maybe the way his eyes shone so bright when he could eat his favourite meal, which was ramen of all things.

Maybe it was when Yuuki saw how determined he was about his hobbies. How, when he focused, the tip of his tongue would stick out between his lips. The furrow of his brow when he was concentrating.

Or could it be when Ryujii bit a teacher because they bullied Yuuki. The pure anger in his eyes when he found out about it was kinda terrifying. But knowing someone stood up to him made him feel relieved. 

Of course the incident got Ryuji expelled and he had to transfer to another school. Yuuki couldn't meet or see him again, so that might be how he fell? Not seeing him anymore?

  
  


No matter what it was, the crush he didn't know existed anymore, sparked up in full bloom when he saw Ryuji. His heart skipped a few beats and he felt anxious. He didn't want to talk to him. He wasn't worth it after all.

So he did what he knew best, stay low and pretend not to exist. Which he had done since Ryuji transferred away. 

When Yuuki had been around him then no one had dared to do anything. But the moment Ryuji was gone, he was suddenly the target of  _ all _ kinds of bullying. 

Gum in hair, being spat on when he layed down, clenching his stomach from the pain, harsh words that were scribbled on his desk and telling him he's a nobody, no one could ever care for him. And that Ryuji didn't really care for him, he could never be loved. All the fun stuff ya'kno? 

So Yuuki stayed low and made little to no sound. It had already been three weeks since school started and he hadn't even seen Ryuji once after the first day of school. 

He told himself it was for the best, not talking to Ryuji. Yuuki would just drag him down. And he didn't want Ryuji to finally figure out how  _ pathetic _ and  _ useless _ he was. The thought alone made him sick to his stomach. 

Shuddering, he fled school as soon as it was over and was now sitting on a bench in Inokashira park. The thought of going home filled him with dread and anxiety. It was more comfortable and peaceful here than at home. Little to few people were out so late, the sun was almost set and it was starting to get colder.

Luckily Yuuki had been smart enough to take a jacket with him, so he could be out longer. 

Playing around with his phone, lost in his own world. He hadn't heard the footsteps that approached him.

"Yuuki?" He jumped from the sudden noise and his heart dropped the moment he recognised that voice. Taking a deep breath he turned around and- "Hello Ryuji" he forced a smile.

The black haired boy looked so  _ happy _ to see him, and Yuuki felt like crying. "Oh man am I happy to see you!" Ryuji sat beside him. " I've been trying to find you but you're like a ghost" he laughed.  _ Ouch _ , Yuuki felt a dagger stabbing his back.

"Ha ha, ye I'm hard to notice" Yuuki awkwardly laughed, rubbing the back side of his head. Biting the inside of his cheeks, he scolded himself.  _ Don't you dare cry you shit. _

Ryuji hummed, "So anyways, I wanted to talk to you" he casually said. That sentence made Yuuki's anxiety spike like a skyrocket.

"O-oh" Yuuki stuttered out, every single horrible thing racking through his mind. He had to blink a few too many times to get rid of the tears that were threatening to spill.

"Yeah! I want to catch up, it's been so long since we last spoke" Ryuji tilted his head and grinned at him. 

"Oh" Yuuki answered, his mind suddenly blank and a heart that started to pick up it's pace "S-sure?" He questioned himself, blinking a few more times.

"Cool, let's exchange numbers and I'll text you later" Ryuji had already pulled out his phone and waited patiently for Yuuki. Who took out his phone a few seconds later, still not understanding what Ryuji had just said.

"Well it's late and I'm heading home, see you tomorrow maybe?" Ryuji stood up and stretched out, hearing a few bones pop. 

"Sure" Yuuki mumbled, still processing what had just happened. His heart was beating fast, and his anxiety was running wild. He could  _ feel _ the tears slowly falling down.

Ryuji gave him a smile, a wave and went on his way. Leaving Yuuki with a rollercoaster of emotions.

  
  


After sitting on the bench for what felt like hours, he decided to leave. He was cold to the bone and exhausted from all the crying. He couldn't believe Ryuji wanted to talk to  _ him _ . He who was just a  _ nobody  _ and  _ worthless.  _ "He must have lost a bet or something" Yuuki mumbled to himself and walked home.

  
  
  


**Ryuji** : Hey! I didn't catch u at school today so wondering if u wanna hang out tomorrow? Can go to the dinner on central street?

Yuuki stared hard at the text, he couldn't believe Ryuji  _ actually _ texted him. Was it all a sick trick? To make him open up and then Ryuji would tell everyone about what he had said?

He knew he should decline, say he was busy. But his heart had taken over. His hands moved before he could regret anything.

**Yuuki** : Sure? But aren't u busy or smth?

**Ryuji** : Nah don't have practice so it's good. See u at 3? 

Yuuki: ye ok

Yuuki felt his whole face burning, he  _ knew _ he shouldn't be happy that Ryuji wanted to talk to  _ him _ . But the blush was still there and his heart was fluttered.

Hating himself a little more, he took deep breaths and tried to calm down. Which didn't work because now his mind was filled with what Ryuji would say or do. What would he say when he found out how boring he was? How useless he was and couldn't even stand up for himself? Shuddering, he decided to just distract himself, better to focus on other stuff than to think.

  
  


Yuuki had somehow managed to fall asleep but was rudely woken up by his 6am alarm. Getting up was easier than he had thought, maybe it was the lack of sleep that did it. He got dressed and went to school.

Sitting in class did nothing to distract him, he was feeling anxious all the time and he looked at the clock every 2 minutes. Hoping it would go faster but also slower, dreading but looking forward to meeting Ryuji.

  
  


Somehow time had gone by and Yuuki was now sitting at the dinner, waiting for Ryuji. Fidgeting and nipping at his skin, wondering if he should just make an excuse so he could disappear into the park and hide.

But before he could even think about an excuse, a voice called his name, startling him.

"Oh I'm sorry I keep startling you" Ryuji sat down looking sheepishly at Yuuki.

"No it's okay, I'm sorry I'm just jumpy" Yuuki laughed awkwardly, looking down at the table, and picking on his skin under the table.

Ryuji waved a hand in a dismissive way, "it's not your fault that you're jumpy" he smiled. "I'm going to be more considerate" 

He said that, like he was going to continue talking to Yuuki, which made him terrified but happy. He just couldn't understand why Ryuji would talk to him. Running the same thoughts in his head hadn't made anything easier.

"So you gonna order anything?" Ryuji said, taking up the menu to scan it. 

"N-no…" Yuuki answered, all the anxiety had made him feel more sick than hungry. And the thought of food made him nauseous.

"Oh" Ryuji looked at him over the menu, "Is it okay that I eat then?"

"Of course, I'm not gonna stop you" Yuuki shook his head, looking at the table. "Alright, steak it is!" Ryuji smiled and placed the order. Rubbing his hands together, "It's been ages since I last ate steak" 

"Want a coffee or something tho? Or tea? Soda?" Ryuji asked before waving a waiter over.

"Uh.. coffee?" Yuuki blushed, hating himself for even feeling  _ hap _ py that Ryuji asked.

"Cool, nice, I'll order and then we can talk" Ryuji waved a waiter over and listed off the things he wanted to order. Yuuki's heart was beating fast and he tried but failed to calm down, face still blushing. 

Ryuji probably noticed it but didn't say anything, he started to talk instead. All about how he's been since the last saw each other and asked Yuuki questions. Which he answered with short sentences.

  
  


They ended up talking for hours, well Ryuji talked and Yuuki listened. Which was fine cause Yuuki liked Ryuji's voice so it was a bonus all in all. And the anxiety had dimmed down more and more throughout the hours they spent together. Much to Yuuki's delight and horror.

He thought it would stop at the dinner. Ryuji would see how stupid and worthless he was so he wouldn't contact him again. But that never happens. Ryuji still kept in contact and they ended up meeting a lot more. Hanging out in the park, playing games in the arcana, sitting in the library to study. Ryuji even called him a  _ friend. _ When Yuuki had first heard it, he almost cried right then and there, but he held it in until he was home and under the covers. He was just so happy. And he wasn't sure how to feel or deal with it. 

Yuuki was just glad to finally have Ryuji back, but the thought that he would just abound him any moment, or find him annoying was always on his mind. Making him desperate to please Ryuji to no end. 

Whenever he wanted to meet up, Yuuki would be there, he would always lend a ear and try too hard to make him laugh or just make his day a little better after an awful day. It was exhausting but just seeing the smile on his crush was enough to give him strength he didn't know he had.

Things were okay, but all good had to end. They got a new teacher, Kamoshida, and sure he was okay in the beginning. But soon he showed his true colour and everything turned into a shit show. 

Kamoshida did everything a teacher shouldn't do; beat, spit, and harass his students. "Accidentally" slam a volleyball into an unfortunate soul. That unfortunate soul was usually Yuuki. He wasn't sure what he had done wrong, but he sure had done something.

All those bruises weren't easy to hide. He didn't know how to use make-up and couldn't really afford it either way. So he just wore long sleeved shirts and bandages to cover them, no one really cared anyways. Besides Ryuji apparently.

"Hey are you okay?" Ryuji was scratching his head with the end of the pencil he was holding, focused on his homework. 

"Yes?" Yuuki replied, confused as to why he even asked. He had hid the bruises well when he was around Ryuji so he shouldn't have noticed them. 

"Well those bruises you have says another story" Yuuki stiffed his shoulder, and hugged himself without thinking. "I'm" he swallowed, "not sure what you're talking about" 

Ryuji looked up at him, one brow lifted. "Dude, you're good at hiding them but I accidentally saw some" he stated, tone filled with concern and worry.

"It's just" Yuuki tried to think of an excuse. "Volleyball practice" he looked away. He was  _ awful _ at lying and they both knew it.

Ryuji hummed "Well if you wanna talk about it then I'm all ears" he looked down and concentrated on his homework again, dropping the subject which seemed to make Yuuki uncomfortable and on edge. He breathed out a sigh of relief when Ryuji didn't look at him anymore. He  _ really _ didn't want to talk about it, he'd rather forget then anything else.

  
  


But the world had other plans, and Yuuki cursed every single god that enjoyed his misery. 

Yuuki had "private" lessons with Kamoshida, which was basically him getting hit hard with volleyballs by a moody teacher. He kept telling Yuuki how he should do better and stop being such a useless brat.

Yuuki didn't really feel anything beside the pain, he had learned to numb his emotions during Kamoshida's moody tantrums. He just wished it would end soon so he could crawl into bed and sleep.

Lost in that thought, he got a ball to the face, making him fall down, nose bleeding and ears ringing. He could hear a "Get up you worthless brat" from the teacher. But a concerned "What are you doing!?" Coming from someone else.

Looking up he saw  _ Ryuji _ crouched down beside him, asking if he's okay. Seeing him made Yuuki sick, bile working its way up his throat. Ryuji shouldn't be here, shouldn't see him like this, shouldn't see how pathetic he was. Panic was raising and so was his heartbeat. 

A tissue was held in front of him, taking it, he held it under his nose and forced himself to swallow the bile and blood. Yuuki made a grimace and couched, the taste was horrible.

He could hear a small 'hum' and then Ryuji stood up, facing Kamoshida. Yuuki turned around to see his teacher looking down at him, his brows frowning in annoyance. The frown made Yuuki want to dig himself down and disappear.

"What do you think you're doing?!" Ryuji's voice was filled with anger. A small 'tch' came from the teacher.

"I'm practicing with him, what else?" Kamoshida crossed his arms and rolled his eyes. It sounded like what he did doing was obvious.

"Practice?" Ryuji spat, "It looked more like you used him as a punching bag" he gritted out, looking ready to punch Kamoshida right in his stupid smirking face. 

Shaking his head, Yuuki stood up, wobbling a bit but went to touch Ryuji's arm "H-h-hey it's okay" Yuuki looked away "It's as he said" he tried to calm down both himself and his friend. But that only gave him a glare from Ryuji, which made Yuuki recoil in on himself, stepping back and bit his tongue. 

"Whatever, just get away from here" Kamoshida waved his hand in a dismissing manner. "We're busy training" Ryuji clenched his fists.

"You're done for today" he gritted out and took Yuuki's hand, dragging him along. Yuuki almost fell a few times before he could process what had just happened and looked back. He was met with a scary looking face.

"You're Ryuji Sakomoto right?" Kamoshida's voice was too  _ even _ , too  _ calm _ . Goosebumps crept over Yuuki's body, bile was forcing its way up again.

"N-" Yuuki swallows, trying to deny it all, too scared to find out what Kamoshida was planning. But Ryuji was louder than him, "Yeah I am, what about it?" He glared back.

"Oh nothing, nothing" Kamoshida smiled that horrible, sinister smile. Yuuki was close to throwing up after seeing it, he had to cover his mouth and force it down. His heart had dropped to the ground. Whatever his teacher had thought about, it wasn't anything good. Ryuji only huffed and dragged Yuuki again, away from Kamoshida.

  
  


"Yuuki.." Ryuji knocked on the bathroom door. "You okay?" He asked in a soft concerned voice. "Give me a minute" Yuuki hoped he said in loud enough for Ryuji to hear. 

He had been dragged back home to Ryuji and the moment he stepped foot into the house, he ran to the bathroom. He couldn't hold back anymore and vomited his guts out.

He felt terrible, dehydrated and sick. His heart wouldn't stop beating so damn hard and just couldn't calm down, he wasn't sure what to do about it.

After what felt like an eternity, he opened the door and saw Ryuji sitting beside the door. He looked up and his eyes were filled with concern, "You better?" He whispered, too scared to make any loud noises.

"Ye…" Yuuki hadn't seen himself in the mirror, but he could guess he looked like shit. "Go to my room and I'll bring you some water" Ryuji stood up and smiled. Tilting his head he asked, "Anything else you want?" 

The thought of food made him want to vomit again, but he knew he had to eat something. "I'll eat something when I get home" he shook his head, not making any eye contact. "Alright" Ryuji left and Yuuki walked toward Ryuji's room.

Sitting on Ryuji's bed made his heart skip a beat.  _ What am I even doing here _ . He thought, biting his thumb nail.  _ I should just go back home _ .  _ I should just cut contact and end this before he gets hurt because of me.  _ Every thought made him more and more exhausted and scared. He didn't want to end it. He wanted this to go on forever but he knew better, it would always end up with him being alone.

Yuuki was about to jump off the bed and sneak out when Ryuji came back, holding two glasses of water and some crackers under his arm. "Hey" he said, handing over the glass, Yuuki only nodded his thanks and took a sip. It felt like the best thing he had ever had in his life. _Must be really dehydrated_ , he thought before chugging the whole glass.

He could hear a soft snort from Ryuji, that made him remember that he wasn't alone. Yuuki mumbled a soft "Sorry", willing himself not to blush. "I got some crackers as well, they're salty" Ryuji laid them down on the bedside table and took Yuuki's glass and sat it beside the crackers and sat down close to him.

They sat in silence for a good while, the atmosphere felt weird, not comfortable like it usually was, just weird. The only sound was from Yuuki's heart, thundering wild in his chest and ears. He fidged, feeling restless, shoulder stiff and he began picking on his skin again. 

"So it happens often huh" Ryuji took a sip of his glass, staring at nothing in particular. Yuuki only mumbled a noise, looking down at his hands. "Ah" he said, taking that as a yes.

"Told anyone?" He asked carefully, not sure if Yuuki would snap or run away. "No…" Yuuki started, trying to find the words that made it sound logical. His head was a mess, and all he could really think about was running off.

"No one… uh cares?" He mumbled, questioning himself. "Really?" Ryuji sounded surprised, with a hint of anger and... Hurt? "I don't know…" 

Ryuji didn't say anything else. The silence made Yuuki take a quick look up and was met with Ryuji sitting, biting his thumb nail, brows furrowed. He appeared to be deep in thoughts.

"W-well I should be going" Yuuki stuttered and stood up, ready to finally run away from all this and  _ finally  _ crawl into bed where he felt safe. "You can lean on me more" he heard Ryuji's soft voice, it was barely above a whisper. 

Yuuki turned around, confused and surprised by what his friend had said. "You don't need to hide them ya'kno. I won't do anything that will make you uncomfortable" he continued. "And" he looked up, "I do care about you" Yuuki's mind stopped to a halt, did Ryuji really mean it? That he  _ actually _ cares? 

Yuuki opened and closed his mouth a few times, not sure what to say. His instincts were telling him to run, but his body didn't listen, nor did his heart. He felt his face grow warm, "Uh… Yhank you" he whispered back, looking at the floor.

More silence and Yuuki heard some ruffling, "You look like you need a hug" Ryuji pointed out and stood up from the bed and got close to Yuuki. Looking at Ryuji, he could see a hint of blush on his face. "You don't mind?" Ryuji stood a bit away, not daring to get too close in case he didn't want it.

Yuuki cursed his body for always acting before he could think. He closed the distance in a second and _hugged_ _Ryuji._ He could smell the hint of the strawberry shampoo he was using. 

Yuuki basically  _ melted _ into the hug, shoulders slowly relaxing and restlessness was getting somewhat under control. It was truly a bliss, a dream he never knew would come true. 

Along with all this, his emotions started to act up, it hadn't clicked until now what Ryuji had actually said. It was words Yuuki never knew he needed to hear, and it made him cry.

Sniffing he tried to break the hug, he didn't want to make Ryuji uncomfortable or ruin his t-shirt. But he didn't let go,"It's okay" he mumbled, rubbing up and down Yuuki's back in a comforting manner. So Yuuki lost it, and started to cry. He wasn't sure if Ryuji ever said anything but he could swear he heard some words. 

  
  


What felt like hours later, Yuuki had run dry from tears. He felt like a zombie, numb and tried. Ryuji had held him throughout it all, never letting go. He didn't deserve all this, being comforted or cared for. He was so  _ useless  _ and a good for nothing person, a  _ ghost _ . He couldn't understand Ryuji, what did he even see in him? He was nothing but a sad annoying person.

"Hey, wanna sleep over? It's late and not safe to go out alone" Ryuji said softly, disturbing Yuuki's thoughts. "Are you sure?" He sniffed out, he didn't want to be more of a burden than he already was.

"100% Sure" Ryuji smiled and stood up, trying to find some clothes Yuuki could borrow. "Shower before bed?" He asked, turning his head to look at Yuuki.

"Can I?" Yuuki's voice was wobbling and he hates how  _ weak _ it sounded. "Of course" 

"Here's the towels and clothes, go take a shower now" Ryuji shooed him out of the bedroom, "I'll make your bed so don't worry" he grinned. Yuuki nodded and went to take a shower, hoping to clean off all the dirt and stress.

  
  


After that little event, Ryuji got more touchy, he held Yuuki's hands more and occasionally hugged him. He wasn't sure why but it made him  _ so, so  _ happy. 

Everyday he was with Ryuji made his heart skip a beat or two, and the butterflies in his stomach kept fluttering more and more. It felt like a dream come true. And even Kamoshida hadn't showed himself around them. Nor asked Yuuki to be his punching bag.  _ Maybe the gods finally felt sorry for me enough to give me peace. _

  
  


A week passed and Kamoshida had told him to meet at the baseball field after school. He really should feel nervous, but the thought that he could ask Ryuji for a hug made everything so much better.

Yuuki stood at the field, waiting for his teacher. Kamoshida hadn't arrived yet, which should be concerning but Yuuki was just happy he wasn't here yet. He sat down on one of the benches and looked around. He saw the track team practising, Ryuji and all his other friends having fun. That made Yuuki smile, he leaned forward, supported his chin on his right hand and sighed softly out. 

It was surprisingly peaceful, and the look of Ryuji's smile made Yuuki happy that he could just enjoy this. The back of his mind was screaming that something was wrong but he pushed it away. He wanted to treasure this moment.

Around half an hour later Kamoshida still hadn't showed up, and that made Yuuki feel uneasy. This wasn't normal, he would always be late yes, but  _ half an hour _ was never normal. 

The worry he had ignored started to get louder and louder. His shoulder started to stiffen up and his heart beating uncomfortable fast, he felt dread slowly seeping in.  _ Why hasn't he arrived yet, what could have happened? _ Yuuki stood up, feeling slightly nauseous. He started to pace back and forth, looking at his phone in hopes that Kamoshida had texted him that he wasn't needed anymore, no texts.

He bit his nails, looking at the track team which had just cleaned up. Ryuji was talking to the coach, and the others had left. 

The coach patted Ryuji on the back, a big smile on his face before he left as well, leaving Ryuji alone. It looked like he didn't want to leave just yet, so he stretched out. 

And then  _ Kamoshida _ approached, a baseball bat in his hand, badly hidden behind his back. He was talking to Ryuji, a smug disgusting smile on his face. Ryuji looked pissed, barking back replies.

Kamoshida looked around and saw Yuuki standing at the field and  _ winked. _ Yuuki felt bile coming up, he forced it down and stood there. His body unable to move, too afraid of what was yet to come.

More talk and Kamoshida was getting closer and closer. And Ryuji looked more and more on edge,  _ fear _ filled his eyes. He kept looking from Kamoshida to the baseball bat in his hand, fist clenched so hard they were white. 

And a second later, Ryuji punched Kamoshida, well, tried to punch. But he had predicted it and moved away in time and took Ryuji's arm and yanked him close. 

Another second passed, the sheer terror in Ryuji's eyes made Yuuki unable to breath, his body wouldn't move, he couldn't scream. He was  _ useless _ to help his  _ best friend _ . 

And then sickening _cracks_ could be heard along with yelling of _pain_ and _agony_. Yuuki's breath got caught in his throat, wide eyes he looked at Ryuji's small frame laying on the ground, and the teacher standing over him with a huge satisfying grin on his face.

Anger was the emotion that flared up, anger and hatred. Both toward himself for not acting sooner and Kamoshida for what he had just done.

Yuuki gritted his teeth and ran, ran as fast as he could toward his friend. Completely ignoring Kamoshida, he kneeled down beside Ryuji, wanting to touch him but scared of hurting him more.

"Ryuji hey, Ryuji" he said softly, trying to hide the anger in his voice "I-I'm calling 991" 

"Ah, Mishima" Kamoshida said in a sickeningly sweet tone. "I see that you cared to join us" Yuuki, bit down on his tongue, he had to ignore him. Provoking him would only do more damage.

When Kamoshida got no answer he snarled, "Piece of shit, answer me!" he growled. Yuuki looked at him, phone in hand and started to talk to the nice lady on the phone. 

Yuuki wasn't sure how long he could keep his calm fasade, he could already feel his hands starting to shake far too much. The lady said there would be an ambulance in a few and to keep her on the phone.

Kamoshida wasn't have any of that and took the phone and stopped the call, throwing the phone on the ground, anger flaring in his eye.

"What, you think he needs an ambulance?" He snarled, kicking the phone away. Ryuji had lost concussion during the call, the pain was too much for him to handle. 

"I do" Yuuki said, anger and terror filled his voice, not knowing if he would meet the same fate as Ryuji.  _ I deserve it more than him _ , his brain helpfully added.

"What you did isn't something a  _ teacher _ should do" he gritted out, he felt more brave than he had ever felt before. "You will regret this!" 

Kamoshida looked surprised, eyes wide and mouth slowly turning into a smile. He took a few deep breaths to calm himself down, he dragged his hair back with his hand.

"It's all your fault you know" he started, looking Yuuki dead in the eye. "If he hadn't helped you, he wouldn't be laying there on the ground in pain" he smiled.

"I-" Yuuki tried to speak, but Kamoshida kept talking. "It's all your fault" he repeated, the smile grew more sinister, "All this" he gestured to Ryuji's small frame, "Is" he took a step closer, "Your" Yuuki took a step back, his legs felt weak and his whole body was shaking. Kamoshida bent down to look at Yuuki, "Fault" he shoved his finger on Yuuki's chest, the pain made him fall down, a small noise escaped his lips.

Yuuki looked up in terror, his teacher looked down at him with that  _ smile _ . "I-I never wanted this to happen!" He tried to yell, but it came out weak.

"Consequences for his own actions to protect you" Yuuki felt a punch to the gut, the words hit harder than a knife. All while Kamoshida studied his nails.

His mind started to scream at him. _All your fault, all your fault!_ It yelled. _Kamoshida is right,_ if _you never befriended him, if you weren't so selfish he wouldn't be lying there_ _in pain._

"So if you want to blame anyone, you gotta blame yourself, just remember that" Yuuki couldn't hear what else Kamoshida said, he had started to hyperventilate, folded in on himself, hugging himself. He tried to breathe, but it felt like he was drowning. No amount of air made it feel better, every gasp of air felt like a waist. Darkness seeped into his vision. His throat was full of bile and air and he felt so,  _ so _ sick. 

  
  


Yuuki wasn't sure what happened next but the moment he managed to get somewhat back, he heard a calm voice telling him to breathe in and out. Telling him it's okay and everything is going to be fine. He didn't believe the voice, but he did listen to it, calming himself down was important.

When he could finally focus enough to see, he was met with some strange woman, she was wearing a jacket with some symbol Yuuki couldn't understand. She was rubbing comforting circles on his back. But every rub felt like fire, ice cold and painful.

Yuuki wheezed out a small "Ryuji", the lady looked at him in pity. "He's in the hospital, it was a nasty wound and he's getting treated for it", she said softly.

_ All your fault _ , Kamoshida's voice echoed in Yuuki's head. "O-okay, I'm going to leave" his voice was weak.

"You sure?" Her voice was filled with worry. "Ye" he wheezed out and started to walk. But stopped when he remembered his phone. Yuuki looked around frantically, he couldn't lose his phone, the only thing that kept him sane. 

The lady saw him looking around, "Is this what you're looking for?" She handed him his phone, "Y-Yes" Yuuki mumbled, he bowed down, said a small "thank you" and ran home. 

Under the blanket, it felt like the world crashed down on his body. It felt heavy and sore. The words Kamoshida had said kept repeating in his head.  _ All your fault, you shouldn't have gotten so close. It's all your fault, I ruin everything. I don't deserve him as a friend. _

Eventually his eyes got too heavy to keep open, so he welcomed the sweet blessing of sleep.

  
  


Yuuki ended up not going to school after that, his parents didn't care nor did the school. He wasn't sure what day it was, the days blended together when he just layed in bed most of the time. Only ate food when his parents weren't home and went to the bathroom when he needed to. He didn't check his phone,  _ like there's anyone who's gonna text me _ . And just kept berating himself for ever getting his hopes up and for ever having a  _ friend. _ He was doomed to hurt them in the end. 

Early in the morning, he got a text, the noise scared the living shit out of him, startling him out of his thoughts. He debated if he should even check it,  _ probably some spam _ , he sighed and turned around, folding in on himself.

The phone went off several more times before his curiosity got the better of him and checked it. 

Ryuji:

Hi sorry I haven't textd in like forever lol 

been in surgery and wasn't able to use my phone til now

Ryuji: 

How ya doing? Wanna visit me?? Its boring and lonelyyy

Ryuji:

Please bring me my 3ds, u know where it is and some games.

Ryuji:

Yuuki???

  
  


Yuuki looked at the texts in disbelief. Ryuji wanted to  _ see him, talk to him. _ After how he fucked up? He just couldn't understand, Ryuji got hurt because of  _ him. _ It was all his fault, Ryuji should be  _ mad _ and  _ hate _ him. But no, he was texting like it wasn't anything.

Ryuji:

Yo, u mad at me for not texting u sooner? I'm sorry if Ur mad…

Seeing the next text made the guilt hammer hard on Yuuki's mind, so he quickly sent a text and sat up in bed. He really didn't want to leave, but he had to, for Ryuji's sake. With that he forced himself up and out of bed, brushing his teeth and took a quick shower. Found some clean clothes and pocketed his phone. 

Taking a few deep breaths, he opened the door and started slowly to venture out toward Ryuji's house and then toward the hospital. 

  
  


It had taken longer than Yuuki would have liked, every step felt heavy, but he eventually managed it. Now he stood in front of Ryuji's hospital door, a mixture of guilt and anxiety ran through him. He stared at the door, every inch of him wanted to run and never look back.

  
  


Taking a deep breath, he opened the door and-- "Hey, Yuuki!" Ryuji's face lit up when he saw Yuuki. His eyes were red and puffy from crying, and dark circles sat snugly under his eyes, making it look like he hadn't slept in ages.

Yuuki forced a smile and walked toward Ryuji's bed. It felt like his lungs got stabbed, pain filled him with every breath he took. He bit the inside of his cheeks and cleared his throat, "H-Hello" he didn't dare to look at Ryuji.

"Man I'm glad to see you" he leaned back on his bed, not taking his eyes off Yuuki. He gestured to a chair beside his bed. "It's so boring here" he complained, throwing his arm over his eyes in a dramatic gesture.

"Adults aren't fun and can't even take a joke" he whined, sighing heavily. A second or so later, Ryuji uncovered his eyes, "Did you bring the 3ds?" He looked hopeful at Yuuki. 

"Y-yeah" Yuuki sat down, shoving the bag at Ryuji. "Man you're a lifesaver!" He grinned and took out the content, humming in satisfaction "All the best games" 

There was silence after that, Ryuji turned on his 3ds and tried to figure out which game to play. While yuuki fidged, he wasn't sure what to do or say. He wanted to ask  _ why _ Ryuji talked to him still.  _ Why  _ he acted like nothing had just happened to his leg.

It just didn't feel right the way Ryuji acted, it felt fake and forced. He should be  _ angry _ and screaming at Yuuki and Kamoshida. He should curse Yuuki's name and wish to never see him again. 

But he  _ didn't _ and that frustrated Yuuki the most, he wasn't brave nor smart, but he couldn't stand seeing Ryuji act like this. So he clenched his fist and took a short deep breath.

"Why" his voice cracked a bit, clearing his throat he tried again. "Why aren't you mad?" He forced himself to look at Ryuji. The black haired boy stopped playing with his ds and looked at Yuuki. 

"I" Ryuji stopped himself to say whatever he wanted to. "Why should I be angry? It's not like it's the end of the world!" Ryuji's voice sounded a bit too high pitched and fake, same with his smile, fake.

Yuuki gritted his teeth, hating the fakeness that ozeed out from every part of Ryuji. "Because  _ Kamoshida _ just  _ broke your fucking leg _ " he gritted out, feeling of guilt and anger took over hims slowly.

"Because he just took away the one thing you love the most, took away your  _ opportunities, _ your  _ future _ " he yelled.

"If you're not angry or mad then you don't really understand what  _ he just did to you _ " Yuuki stood up, too angry to sit, fist clenched and angry tears threatening to spill over.

"And then you don't understand what  _ I did to you _ !  _ I _ could have stopped him! I saw him, I could have done  _ something!  _ But no! I didn't casue I was  _ scared! _ " Yuuki rubbed his eyes with his arm, trying to get rid of the tears but they kept on falling down.

"I just can't understand why you still want to be with me" he sniffed out, hating himself for crying. "I'm just as guilty as Kamoshida" Voice going quieter. "If you never got yourself involved…" Yuuki looked down, sniffing and rubbing his eyes. He was sure his face looked like a mess and eyes red.

There was more silence, this one heavy and intense. Ryuji looked at Yuuki like he had just grown a second head, shock and disbelief was written all over his face.

A second later his own anger showed on his face. "Do you think I don't know?" Ryuji started slowly, his mind still processing everything Yuuki had said.

"Do you think I don't  _ know _ ", he repeated again more forcefully, anger seeping into his voice. "I am  _ angry  _ at that piece of shit  _ Kamoshida!"  _ He gritted out. "I don't know how this" he gestured to his right foot. "Will turn out, but by how the doctors talks" Ryuji clenched his teeth shut, "It'll probably never be the  _ same _ " 

A few seconds of silence and then he continued. "I'll never be able to run like I used to, and you know? It's really  _ killing me _ " Ryuji yelled, placing his hands against his chest. "Knowing my life is more  _ worthless  _ than ever and I'm more of a burden to my  _ mom _ !" His voice cracked at the end, the anger was slowly replaced by sadness.

"Knowing my mom will never have a comfortable life because her son fucked up his only chance to become something!" Yuuki stood in silence, watching Ryuji trying and failing to hold back the tears. 

Yuuki wanted to wipe away the tears, hug him, and drag his fingers through his hair and tell him it's all going to be okay. But he couldn't, he  _ shouldn't. _

Ryuji rubbed his face, willing himself to stop crying. "And you know what's worst?" His voice sounded so weak and vulnerable, "That no one believes me" new tears came streaming down but this time Ryuji let them fall.

The guilt slammed hard against Yuuki when he heard Ryuji's small soft sob. He stood there awkwardly, not sure what to do or say. His mind was yelling at him to just leave, but his body did the opposite. He bent forward and hugged Ryuji. He went stiff for a second but soon relaxed and hugged back, sobbing into Yuuki's neck. 

Yuuki did what he shouldn't do, he ran his fingers through Ryuji's hair, in the most comforting way he could muster. And told him "Sorry" over and over again, apologising for being so selfish for not letting go, for what he had done to Ryuji's foot, how it was all  _ his _ fault Ryuji sat here crying over his lost future. 

  
  


"Hey" Ryuji whispered horsely, voice raw from all the crying and sobbing. He was still resting his head in Yuuki's neck. "I don't blame you" 

Yuuki's throat closed up and he gave a choked noise as a response. Tears threatened to spill  _ again. _

"Can you just stay here for a while longer" he didn't move to look at Yuuki, too embarrassed to face him. Yuuki didn't think twice before he choked out a small "yes" and hugged him closer.  _ I know I shouldn't do this but I'm so selfish. _ He thought, hating himself for everything.

  
  


They sat like that until a nurse came and told them the visit time was over and that Yuuki had to leave. A few hugs and a promise for Yuuki coming back again, he left. Dragging his sorry ass home, he ended up in bed and slept for hours.

  
  


Yuuki did end up visiting him a lot more. He wasn't sure why tho, was it the guilt? The hunger for affection? The way he felt maybe a  _ little _ better about it all when he made Ryuji laugh? 

No matter what, he did it. Came with homework, helped him with it if he needed help. Told him some funny stories about what happens at school and brought with him a lot of manga. 

Kamoshida still kept using him as a punching bag, but he made sure to avoid getting bruises where he couldn't hide them. He didn't want Ryuji to see them, he had enough on his plate as it was. 

  
  


Two weeks of rehabilitation did wonders, Ryuji kept on pushing himself and Yuuki scolded him for doing so. But it was good, it felt normal in an odd way. 

  
  


Yuuki came into Ryuji's room, he had already texted him a head of time to warn him. 

"Hey, I got the homework and the manga you wanted" Yuuki dropped his bag on Ryuji, who laid on the floor, he made a small grunt. He laid beside him, hands on his stomach. He felt  _ okay _ , he managed to store the guilt somewhere deep down, and wouldn't touch the box for the next few years. Maybe.

Ryuji moved the bag, and turned his head to look at Yuuki, grinning from ear to ear, his eyes shining bright, "Guess what" 

"Uh… what?" Yuuki looked at him, curiosity and the smallest bit of anxiety ran through him. Ryuji grinned even brighter which Yuuki didn't know he could do.

"The people at the rehabilitation said that if I kept up the good work, I  _ might _ be able to run like I used to" Ryuji couldn't contain his excitement, he stood up and dragged Yuuki with him. He threw his hands up, "My dreams might not be lost after all!" He hugged Yuuki.

Yuuki was stunned,  _ he could be fine, he might be able to run again. _ Tears was running down his face, he snuggled close and whispered a wet "oh my god" 

  
  


He moved back after a few seconds and rubbed his eyes. A wobbly smile was on his face and the feeling of relief washed over him. "That's so amazing", he sniffed. "I'm so happy for you" 

Ryuji's eyes shone so bright, so beautiful, so  _ happy _ . He moved before his brain caught up with his body. Leaning forward he closed his eyes and kissed Ryuji, it was soft and sweet. Opening his eyes again, he realised what he had just done and- "no no no , shit I'm sorry fuck I-" Yuuki jerked back, panick kicking in full drive, heart beating and started to breath fast. "I-I-I" he stuttered, "G-go now" he wheezed, ready to run when a hand stopped him.

Yuuki turned around, wide eyed and scared. Ryuji only looked at him, his face unreadable. Gulping, he tried to yank his hand back, away from Ryuji's grip. That only made Ryuji's grip harder, not hard enough to hurt, but it was impossible to run now.

"It's uh.. it's okay" he heard Ryuji's voice soften. He looked up and saw Ryuji blushing and looked at him, his eyes sparkled with  _ hope. _ A spark lit up inside Yuuki, he wasn't sure if it was from terror or happiness.

"I.. uh" he looked around, face growing more and more red. "I feel the same" he bit his lips and looked up at Yuuki again, his face grew more and more red.

Yuuki gasped, his mouth open and closed a few times.  _ He likes m _ e. Was the only thing that went through his head. The shocked face made Ryuji laugh, the sweet music to Yuuki's ears, making he, himself, blush.

He could hear his heartbeat in his ears, and felt his knees go weak. So he ended up sitting down, pulling his hands over his face, trying to hide himself. A mix of anxiety and happiness was swirling inside him. He just  _ couldn't  _ understand what Ryuji had just said.  _ This isn't a joke, right? _

"So.. uh" Ryuji sounded unsure, not knowing how to go about this. "You wanna like… I don't know dude.. date maybe?" He said slowly, trying to not fuck up his wording. 

Yuuki's head snapped up and he gave a quick "Yes!" And immediately bit his tongue after the word had left his mouth.  _ Fuck, this isn't suppose to happen, fuck, fuck _ . The thoughts kept repeating themselves. 

But the  _ smile _ Ryuji gave, stopped all the thoughts in Yuuki, it was empty,  _ quiet _ . He wasn't sure anymore but he gave a wobbly smile back, close to crying, again. Ryuji must have taken it as a positive reaction because his smile grew even  _ bigger _ .

They sat in silence after that, Yuuki having a battle within himself and Ryuji enjoying the company. Two good things had happened on the same day, Ryuji could maybe go back to running  _ and _ they were going to date, being boyfriends.

Taking a deep,  _ deep _ breath, Yuuki looked up,  _ even if this is going to hurt, I'm going to enjoy it for as long as I can _ . He thought determinedly and gave Ryuji a real smile.  _ Fuck off mind _ , he flipped himself off inward,  _ you can't take this away from me _ . 

  
  


The days after that went by in a flash, Kamoshida kept tormenting Yuuki, but Ryuji made everything more bearable. They joked, played games, ate food, shared kissed and cuddled together. It felt like a dream he never wanted to wake up from. 

He found out early that the insecurities he had, made him easily jealous. Scared that Ryuji would fall for someone else and just leave him alone. Or Ryuji would finally see how terrible of a person he is or how boring he is and leave. The thoughts kept nagging him, always in the back of his mind. So Yuuki made up his mind, he was gonna take as much as he could before Ryuji left him. Sure he knew he was setting himself up for more pain than necessary. But the heat from another body, the smile, the way he ran his fingers through his hair. It was all worth the pain later on.

  
  


Ryuji stopped going to physical therapy after he was done with the most necessary sessions. He couldn't burden his mother more than he already did. Yuuki helped him stretch out and joined him on some of the exercises. Just to keep him company.

Yuuki continued to take homework back to Ryuji so he didn't end up lagging behind. And he eventually ended up back at school, close to the ending of the year. The school treated Ryuji like a criminal, Kamoshida had bullshitted a story that made  _ him _ the victim and Ryuji the bad guy. That only made Ryuji more frustrated and angry. Yuuki either tried to calm him down or to cheer him up, he succeeded most of the time. But sometimes he just  _ couldn't _ , so he ended up staying with Ryuji until he had tired himself out, always by his side.

  
  


Ryuji got called a traitor by the track team, and the "friends" he had, turned their back on him. The only one who stood by him was Yuuki. And as twisted as it sounded, he felt sorta happy that Ryuji only had him. He didn't need to share him. 

He ended up colouring his hair one the last day of school, with the help of Yuuki. The teachers and the principal were shocked and told him he  _ had _ to colour it back. Telling him it was against the rules, but Ryuji kept it out of spite.

The summer break was spent together, outside in the park, and everywhere that didn't cost too much. 

Sharing beds, cuddling, having fun. It was a bliss and Yuuki never wanted it to end. But time went on and suddenly the summer was almost over.

A few days before the school started again, Yuuki had been ordered by Kamoshida to spread bad rumors about the new student. It was easy for him, he was basically a ghost and the students usually hung out in the same places and they had all heard the rumors that a new kid was coming to school. 

Yuuki only needed to change up his voice to make it sound like another person and the students all drank it up. He  _ hated it, _ the guilt was choking him slowly, it was even worse when the guilt from Ryuji's injury joined in. But it was either that or Ryuji's  _ other leg _ . So he bit the inside of his cheeks and did what he was asked,  _ everything for Ryuji _ .

The first school day arrived and everyone whispered about how the new transfer student had shanked someone, stolen goods, and other stuff Yuuki never said. The rumors had twisted itself more than he liked, but Kamoshida was overjoyed about it and he went easy on Yuuki on their daily after school practise. He hated how relieved he felt, someone else was suffering for  _ his actions _ .

  
  


The second day of school came and Ryuji arrived very late for school, along with the new student, Akira. Jealousy creeped into Yuuki's mind, but he ignored it. They didn't even  _ know  _ each other, Ryuji couldn't fall for someone that quick, he was safe. He had to be.

Akira and Ryuji kept hanging out, much to Yuuki's displeasure. He didn't want to tell Ryuji to stop being around Akira, he deserved to have other friends too but the jealousy kept nagging him, telling him Akira wanted to take Ryuji away from him. It wasn't  _ logical _ , it was  _ stupid _ to think like that, but he couldn't stop himself.

Ryuji introduced him to Akira, they both were the quiet type. But Akira was pleasant to be around and he had some snarky comments every now and then, which made both Yuuki and Ryuji laugh. The guilt held a strong grip on his throat, making it hard to breath sometimes.  _ How could I have spread bad rumors to such a nice and lovely person. _ He hated himself for what he had done to Akira. 

Ryuji was the one who kept the silence away, he always had something to talk about. The jealousy slowly got smaller, and soon it was just a small blob he could ignore.

But both Ryuji and Akira acted a bit  _ weird _ . Ryuji often made some excuses to not hang out after school, which was fine (at least that what Yuuki told himself) he understood, alone time was good too. He had to meet up with Kamoshida most of the days anyways, the teacher had been in a bad mood lately. He left Yuuki bruised most of the time, sometimes even bleeding. 

Everytime Ryuji saw it, Yuuki could see the hatred burning strong in his eyes, the hatred over the teacher, over the adult who didn't do  _ anything _ . He left small kisses on his wounds, which made Yuuki blush. And kept telling him it's going to be okay. That everything would work out soon. Yuuki didn't believe him when he said that, no one could stop Kamoshida, it was impossible.

On the 27th of April something weird happened, Kamoshida got a calling card. Yuuki found it fun how someone thought they could make _him_ confess. 

Yuuki had pointed it out when he sat together with Ryuji and Akira, both which looked and acted a bit weird when he mentioned it. But he brushed it off, thinking they just felt uncomfortable talking about Kamoshida. 

But then the day after, Kamoshida ended up  _ confessing _ to everything he had ever done. All from using students as punching bags, to assault. It felt surreal,  _ finally _ the adult couldn't brush it off or turn the blind eye anymore, which they had done since he came to school.

That day went by like a blur, the man that had  _ tortured _ Yuuki, his other students, just confessed and got  _ jailed. _ It was  _ over _ , the torture, the pain, all the evenings "practises". Yuuki couldn't process it, it felt fake, like someone would just jump out and tell him it was all a joke and throw Kamoshida at him.

He told Ryuji just that when he sat on his bed, how he thought it felt fake and it was just a big joke. Ryuji held him close and ran his fingers through his hair, telling him it was all true and that Kamoshida would never come back. Yuuki felt kinda detached, but he just shrugged it off and tried to believe Ryuji.

  
  


Yuuki ended up close to Akira too, he didn't brush him off like everyone else did and he actually  _ listened _ . He felt sorta weird that someone beside Ryuji listened to him, but he took it and clinged onto it like a moth to a flame. He was sure Akira would get tired and leave him soon enough.

  
  


"Ok but hear me out" Yuuki looked at Akira, his arms on the table and hands supported his face. "What if he  _ is  _ the bad guy. All the evidence points at  _ him _ " voice serious.

"No no, that's too  _ easy"  _ Akira answered, looking just as serious. "This show can't be  _ that  _ stupid" he frowned.

"You'd be surprised" Yuuki said solemnly, "I've seen one too many of them do that" shaking his head.

"But  _ maybe _ this one is different" Akira straightened up, sounding confident. "Maybe it's trying to make us  _ believe _ it'll follow in everyone's footsteps but then bam!" He closed and opened his hands, trying to make it look like fireworks. Which made Yuuki snort, the way Akira had done it looked so silly. Akira himself grinned too, tipping his head a bit to the side.

"You might be right" Yuuki tried to scold his face back to a serious one, but cracked up again, giggling softly. "Looks like you two are having fun" Ryuji sat down beside Akira, opposite of Yuuki. The jealousy bloomed up, but Yuuki quickly shoved it down. _ Akira is a friend not a foe _ .

Akira gave Ryuji a lazy smile, "Ye we're talking about that detective show" and he explained what they had theorised while Ryuji was gone.

"Impressive" Ryuji whistled, patting Akira on the back and grinned at Yuuki. "You two would make a great detective team" he barked a laugh, Akira and Yuuki joined in on the laughing. 

"Hey how about we-" Ryuji started and checked his phone, "Shit" he cursed. "We should get going, Akira" Akira gave a hum in response and stood up with Ryuji. Ryuji walked towards Yuuki, gave him a kiss on the cheek, telling him he would call later and said their goodbyes before leaving.

Watching them leave together made Yuuki jealous and his self hatred grew. He hated that he didn't know what they were doing, where they were going. He  _ trusts _ Ryuji, so he never followed them. He knows Ryuji wouldn't cheat, he's so open about everything.  _ But do I really know him? _

Shaking his head, he stood up and stretched. He was itching to follow but instead he headed home. He had homework to do and he  _ trusts Ryuji. I trust him, I trust him. _ He kept telling himself in hopes that the jealousy would go away.

The weeks went into months, Ryuji and Akira started to hang out more with each other and some other people, and less with Yuuki. Making more excuses to not hang out with Yuuki. Of course Ryuji texted him and hung out with him when he could but it wasn't  _ enough _ . Yuuki felt like he wasn't good enough anymore, like he was the second or third choice, or maybe even the  _ last _ choice. The jealousy got louder and louder and the anxiety went into full force.

_ Maybe he finally realised how bad I am, or maybe he fell for Akira. I wouldn't blame him, Akira is so much better than me in everything, he's good looking, smart and funny. _ Yuuki's nails had been bitten down so much he ended up bleeding a few times. Ryuji had asked him about it and Yuuki had lied and told him school was stressing him out. 

"Wanna hang out today?" Yuuki asked, sitting down beside Ryuji on the roof. No-one else of Ryuji's friends had arrived yet. He opened his lunch box and took a few bites of it.

"Shit sorry, I can't today" Ryuji bit his lip, he looked like a kicked puppy.  _ It's the third day in a row that you can _ 't. Yuuki bit his tongue, he was so close to spill that out. "Well it can't be helped" he said instead, trying to mask the disappointment in his voice.

"You got better things to do instead of hang out with me anyways" Yuuki shrugged, he knew it would come sooner or later.  _ But it's too soon. _

"What no!" Ryuji said hastily, "No I would love to hang out with you, but Akira said we had to go to m-" he bit his tongue, stopping himself to finish whatever he was gonna say. Clearing his throat he tried again, "Akira wanted to go Harajuku with me and Ann" he looked away.

_ Akira, Akira _ ,  _ lies. _ Yuuki felt sick, he looked down at his food, suddenly losing all of his appetite. He sat it down beside him, and swallowed the bile that had creeped up.

"Ye, I'm sure you're gonna have fun…" He mumbled,  _ I trust him, I have to trust him. _

"No I'm serious" Ryuji looked back at Yuuki, "Tomorrow, tomorrow we can hang out all day" he said, determination filled his voice and face. "We can go buy ice cream and chill at home continue to watch the anime we started a while back" 

Yuuki felt his heart flutter, he knew he was easy to persuade. And Ryuji knew it too. He bit his lip and stopped himself for just saying 'yes'. "Are you sure Akira won't want you around tomorrow tho?" Yuuki tilted his head to the side. 

"Nah, he won't", Ryuji said, waving his hand in a dismissing manner. "He's going to hang out with Yusuke tomorrow anyways" 

"How did you k-" the door opened and Akira and Ann walked out to join them. They both said hello to Yuuki and chatted with him for a while. 

Yuuki had to excuse himself after a few minutes, the jealousy and anger was too much for him to handle.  _ Akira this and Akira that, why is everything about Akira _ . Yuuki grabbed his hair, tugging at it and forced the tears and the bile back. His throat was painful, and he just didn't want to be at school anymore. The thought of seeing any of them made him sick. 

He ended up just telling his teacher that he felt sick and went home.  _ Maybe he's finally getting tired of me, I'm easy to replace anyways. I got no good qualities, no humor, just a sad stupid worthless nobody. _ Yuuki laid in bed, with the thoughts repeating itself over and over again. Soon his eyes got too heavy and he ended up sleeping.

  
  


The next day didn't go any better. Yuuki felt sluggish and annoyed, his mind didn't leave him alone.

"Morning Yuuki!' Ryuji took his hand and held it and walked beside him. Yuuki only hummed a response and squished Ryuji's hand a bit in hopes that he understood that Yuuki just didn't want to talk. 

And Ryuji seemed to get it cause he didn't speak, he only hummed a song while they walked together. It was calming to just hear his humming, focusing on it, numbed his mind a bit.

The school day went by agonisingly slow and he didn't leave the classroom when it was lunch. He hunched over his desk, trying to sleep until next class.

Ryuji stood waiting for him after the last class for the day. His face brightened up when he saw Yuuki. "Yuuki!" He strode up to him, all smiling and happy. 

"Let's go! We got all day to chill!" He took Yuuki's arm and dragged him along. It made him weird, he couldn't understand why Ryuji kept this up, he  _ was  _ tired of him, wasn't he? So why…?

"Which ice cream should we get?" Ryuji looked over the section, thinking hard. Yuuki hadn't said anything throughout the whole kouu to the store, too uncrossed in his own mind to really follow along.

"Uh.." he said, blinking a few times, trying to get back into reality. "Why not strawberry passion?" He pointed at the ice cream he knew they both liked. 

"Oh!" Ryuji looked surprised, "I can't believe they got it in again!" He grinned and took out a box of it, all giddy. "Want any more snacks?" He walked toward the candy aisle.

They ended up buying a few more snacks and headed home to Ryuji. All while Ryuji talked and Yuuki was quiet.

"You okay?" Ryuji sat the groceries down on his bed. "You're more quiet than normal" he turned around to study his boyfriend, concerned and worry was written all over his face.

"I'm fine, just tired" Yuuki rubbed his face with his hands, not really looking up. "Oh you want to sleep instead then?" Ryuji asked, "I don't mind", he said earnestly. Yuuki hated how he would still act like he loved him when he clearly didn't.

"No, I want to see the show, but I might end up falling asleep, I'm afraid", Yuuki mumbled.

"That's fine, I'll just throw the ice cream in the fridge for a later date", Ryuji said and took the ice cream away.

When he returned he found Yuuki in his bed, laying in his normal spot with his pc in his stomach and snacks on his side, where it would be in the middle of the both. Ryuji snuggled beside his boyfriend and told him he could start the episode. He took his hand over Yuuki's shoulders and rested it there, and Yuuki rested his head on Ryuji's shoulder. Both snuggled close.

Yuuki had dozed off after a few episodes but he woke when Ryuji had moved. He was too tired to open his eyes, so he just let Ryuji manhandle him like he wanted him to be. 

He felt Ryuji pressed close beside him, and a hand moving his hair from his eyes. "I love you", Ryuji whispered and kissed his cheek and rested his head on Yuuki's shoulders.

Now hearing those words made Yuuki sick, he should be happy hearing them, overjoyed even but no. He felt sick and horrible, the words felt fake to his ears. Like Ryuji didn't mean them, he just felt obligated to say them. 

He wanted to run away, he wanted to vomit and scream. But he couldn't do any of it, he had Ryuji right beside him and if he acted, Ryuji would be concerned. And Yuuki did  _ not  _ want to start that conversation right now.

So instead he did nothing, he just laid there and prayed that sleep would take over him soon enough.

  
  


After that, everytime Ryuji told him "I love you" it felt hollow, like he didn't even  _ mean _ them, did he ever mean them? It was painful hearing Ryuji lie, he just couldn't understand why he kept up with it. Why couldn't Ryuji just end it? He obviously wanted to be with Akira. Was he scared to hurt Yuuki's feelings? 

Or was Ryuji waiting for  _ him _ to end it? The more Yuuki thought about it, the more stressed he became. He cried himself to sleep more times then he could count. He didn't  _ want _ it to end, he was selfish and wanted Ryuji to still  _ love  _ him, if he ever did. 

When Ryuji hung out with him, it sounded like he was walking on eggshells. He avoided certain topics, like what he did with his other friends. But he did talk about them a lot, especially Akira, telling him how cool and admirable he was. Anger and jealousy raised inside Yuuki, anger that Ryuji kept talking about  _ Akira, _ jealousy that he  _ kept talking about Akira. _

Yuuki had to excuse himself a lot, so he didn't yell at Ryuji, all the anger and sadness really made him more emotional then he wanted to be. Taking deep breaths in the bathroom usually helped, sometimes he had to be there for half an hour to calm himself down enough to continue, and other times he had to leave cause he just _ couldn't _ anymore. 

  
  


Yuuki had asked him once if he wanted to hang out in the park, under the tree they both loved so much, but Ryuji had told him he had promised to help his mother. "Maybe another time!" He had grinned and  _ hugged, not _ kissed, Yuuki before leaving. He was so used to being lied too, but that didn't mean it stung or hurt less.

He walked down the central street, looking at nothing in particular when he saw Ryuji. Yuuki hid behind some stuff so Ryuji wouldn't see him. 

He was hanging out with Akira, all  _ smiling _ and  _ laughing.  _ Something in Yuuki snapped, it felt like knives had entered his lungs, making it hard to breath and every beat his heart took felt like someone was clenching it hard. Yuuki  _ knew _ Ryuji hung out with Akira when he made those poor excuses but he never had  _ proof.  _

And even if he knew, it was more painful to finally get it confirmed. He felt fat hot tears running down his face, he rubbed at his eyes.  _ You knew he was cheating, why are you even surprised,  _ he scolded himself. Sniffing and rubbing his eyes.  _ Maybe ending it now would be the best. _

  
  


A week passed and Yuuki hadn't answered any of the texts he got, nor had he gone to school. He felt empty and cold, the warmth he once had was gone, it had left with Ryuji. 

His mind didn't shut up, telling him how he should have known, how he did it all to himself. How he should just end it and make Ryuji happy, so he could be with Akira.

Dragging himself up off the bed, he texted Ryuji. Telling him to meet him at the park under the tree they both liked. He didn't answer any of the worried texts he got after that. He knew it was all an act.

Yuuki sat under the tree, sniffing from the cold, he just wanted this to be done with. His body was already heavy enough as it was and every second that he was outside made it even heavier.

"Yuuki!" A worried voice called out to him. Yuuki looked up, tired eyes scanning the blond haired boy's face, all the fake worry was filling his eyes and face. 

Yuuki looked down again, not wanting to see the pity in the other boy's face. And so tried to see the fakeness.

"Are you okay? What happened? Why didn't you answer your texts?" Ryuji fired at him, voice full of concern. "I'm okay" Yuuki slowly replied, not intending to answer any of the other questions.

"Then wha-" Ryuji was about to ask but Yuuki interrupted him "Let's break up" he couldn't look at Ryuji, too scared to see the relief on his face.

"Wh-" the shock was clear in his voice.

"Look" Yuuki said, taking a deep breath he continued, "I know okay?"

"What do you-" 

"I know how you look at Akira, the way your eyes brighten up when he gets close, how you try so hard to make him laugh" Yuuki's voice shook a bit, he cursed himself for it.

"And, I  _ understand _ ", he continued, "Akira is so,  _ so _ much better than me, more kind, more handsome, and so much smarter than me" He could hear his heartbeat in his ears **.** " He's outgoing when you start to know him and he's funny" Yuuki's body started to shake, from what he wasn't sure, he swallowed.

"So you don't have to pretend any more, pretend that you love me, pretend you have fun being around a worthless piece of shit like me" his voice shook, it sounded weak and pathetic. He took a small breath and smiled up at Ryuji, eyes closed so he didn't see his face. "Save yourself the trouble and let's just end this" he gave a humourless laugh. 

Yuuki stood up, "So I guess-"

"What" Ryuji finally spoke. "Where is this coming from?" His voice was a mix of shock and hopelessness. 

"Did I ever give you the impression that I never loved you? Did I fuck up somewhere?" He sounded desperate for answers, he reached to Yuuki, wanting to grab Yuuki's arm.

"You don't need to pretend" Yuuki stepped out of reach, "Stop trying to act" he shook his head. "Just accept and live happily with Akira" his throat felt tight and his eyes stung. 

"Yuuki please let's talk about it" Ryuji pleaded, his voice shook a bit, he sounded close to crying. Yuuki finally looked up at him and was shocked to see Ryuji's face. It looked like he hadn't slept well in the past weeks, he looked sickeningly white and all around  _ tired. _

Yuuki couldn't understand why he looked like that, did he want to end this relationship so bad? That he had laid in bed, awake, thinking about how he was going to do it?

Gritting his teeth, and taking a deep breath, he spoke again. "There's nothing to talk about, I know and I understand" he turned around, he didn't want Ryuji to see the tears that started to fall down his face. 

"I can't make you love if you don't" Yuuki choked out, he hated himself for even caring enough to cry. Hated how pathetic he was, he should be happy for Ryuji. He could finally be with Akira.

"Yuuki" Ryuji whimpered, "P-Please" he begged, moving close.."I-I can fix this…"

"There's nothing to fix" Yuuki sniffed, and rubbed his eyes. "You can't fix anything if there wasn't a problem from the start" he sniffed again, holding a hand over his eyes. 

His heart and body felt heavy. He never wanted to come back to this park, he wanted to sleep forever and just  _ forget. _

"Goodbye" he said in his wobbling voice and did what he knew best, walking away. Ignoring the pleading cries from Ryuji. Telling him to please come back, to  _ please listen  _ to him. 

Yuuki could barely see where he went, tears blocking his view, but he had to keep on going, it was for the best, Ryuji will be happier with Akira.

_ I don't deserve to be happy anyways _ , Yuuki thought bitterly.


End file.
